Every night Little One decides he's going to forget how to breathe and eat at the same time. He fidgets and fusses and cries and swallows air and inhales milk, and I don't know what to do about it. It's no comfort at all to know that he won't have this problem when he starts solids; that's about 9 months from now. I can't deal with this for 9 more months. I'm way sleep deprived as it is and I'm not patient with him when I'm like this. Mc is good at taking over when I get too frustrated with Little One, but he needs his sleep, too. Any time I get to myself I have to spend sleeping-- but even then I don't get enough of it-- and as a result there is a long list of things I want to do but can't find time to get to them. I also miss spending one-on-one time with Mc; that never happens anymore and every time he sees me I'm taking care of a kid and half the time I'm so frustrated that I'm not fun to be around.
I'm not cut out to be a mother. Sure, I can pop them out easily enough but I don't feel I'm mother material. And I feel guilty for not "cherishing" this time in their lives when they are so tiny. I feel an unrealistic expectation to find joy in all of this when in fact I am quite unhappy.
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I was going to look up a quote from a church talk on www.lds.org that describes something about how motherhood is a wonderful thing and a joyous responsibility and then bash it by saying how people seem to idolize motherhood and ignore the reality that it sucks sometimes, but then in browsing I found this talk by Elder Ballard from the April 2008 General Conference: www.lds.org/general-conference/2008/04/daughters-of-god?lang=eng
It's actually what I needed to hear right now. Elder Ballard acknowledges that motherhood is wonderful but also challenging and frustrating sometimes. His words are encouraging. This in particular stood out to me: "[I need to] recognize that the joy of motherhood comes in moments. There will be hard times and frustrating times. But amid the challenges, there are shining moments of joy and satisfaction." The rest of the article is good as well, but this has comforted me tonight.
For a while back in college I decided I didn't want to be a part of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I had issues with some aspects of it and I wanted to find out for myself what I actually believed vs. what I was taught all my life to believe. After searching my options and figuring out for myself what I believed and what I wanted to incorporate into my life, I decided that this church is the right one for me, and I'm glad I made that decision. This talk by Elder Ballard has given me comfort and I am grateful for the acknowledgement that he has for mothers and motherhood, both the very real challenges we face and for the advice he gives to us and to fathers as well. I feel that his talk was inspired and that he knew women needed to hear these words, and that the men could benefit from hearing them as well.
Now to see if I can get any sleep tonight...
7 comments:
I'm so sorry. I would say I know how you feel, but I only have one kid; I can only imagine that two is a whole different world. I feel like I'm not quite cut out to be a mother sometimes too though, but sometimes there are those shining moments, and I know it's right. I hope you get a shining moment really soon to reassure you.
Being a mom is hard! The day-to-day stuff is hard enough, but add sleep deprivation to your life and sometimes it can seem unbearable. And for some reason, we never feel like we are good enough. I'm glad you found that article that helped to comfort you. I encourage you to continue to look for uplifting things like that. And maybe you and Mike can dedicate one day to fasting (but you shouldn't fast) and praying about how to get through this difficult time. I'll be praying for you.
Does it help to know that all mother's have had the same feelings that you do? I used to hate mother's day because I was hoping for a whole day when motherhood wouldn't be so hard. I forgot to appreciate the small wonderful moments during those days. Sleep deprivation is a part of every mother's life (unless you have a nanny, then she gets to be sleep deprived.) I finally had to realize that it is all temporary. I would get a full night's sleep...eventually. In the meantime, just know that every mother feels inadequate at times, our patience is taxed to the max at times, and we don't always know the best way to do things. But it's all good. It's all part of the wonderful experience of motherhood. Be patient with Jesse as he learns how to eat better and be patient with yourself as you learn learn how to juggle being a mother of two. It's a big jump going from one to two kids.
Relax. Simplify your life. Don't worry about all the stuff that needs to be done, it will all get done eventually. It's not worth stressing about. Things will get easier. Pray for peace and calm. You and Mike are a team. You are great parents and you will get through this difficult time. Heavenly Father will help you.
Feel better, Isa! I'm glad I got to skype with you the other day :)
~Amy
Motherhood is the most difficult thing I have done in my life. It is frustrating, exhausting, and sometimes makes me think that I am going crazy. But, at the same time, motherhood is rewarding, there are moments where Nicole says, "Mommy, I love you so much." and then it makes my day worth it and I forgive her for all the frustration she has caused me.
Nursing can be especially frustrating. I had a lot of trouble nursing Dan. He was tongue tied and picky and we had a hard time. And, I didn't want to stop nursing because I know it is good for my baby. But, in the end, it was right for me to stop nursing because I was one unhappy mommy while nursing. And an unhappy mommy creates stress for the whole family. Dan boy is doing great with formula and everyone is happier.
And, most of all, don't worry about the little stuff. When I went from one to two kids, the housework, the laundry, and the organized schedule went out the window. Just do what you can and let the little things go.
You are an amazing mommy. You kids are happy and healthy. You are doing great! Keep hope, it gets better. The balance of two kids comes eventually.
I am so sorry you feel like you're not cut out to be a mom. I shared with Cole how you feel because I wanted to ask if I could share something he feels. As we are deciding when it's right for us to start our family, he shared with me that one of his biggest fears is that he will not be patient enough with our kids. I told him that one of the great things about the plan that Heavenly Father has is that he (Cole) would not have to do it alone. There may be times that his patience will run thin, but that's when I can take over, and when my patience is gone, I know I can turn to him. When both of us are done we will buy a couple of plane tickets and take them to see Grandma and Grandpa ;-) But seriously, turn to Heavenly Father, and to Mike. They are both there to help you as much as they can.
When I asked Cole if I could share his feeling on here he said it was fine, but also to tell you that from what we have seen you are a great mother. You really are. I can't imagine what it is like to have two little ones, but as Becky said, your kids are happy and healthy which means you're doing a great job.
If you are willing to pay my I can see about quitting my job and coming and staying with you :-) We can work out a schedule, one week on, one week off :-D Cole's not the biggest fan of the idea though... I'll see if I can change his mind ;-)
I love you Lisa. If you ever do need the help I can be on a plane fairly quickly. I can do a good but of my job remotely, so it's not a big deal. I love you!
*good bit of my work
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