I've been really excited to write about this! Now, this post will be about strengthening love and happiness in a marriage; so if love and happiness in your marriage aren't important to you or you don't want them, then don't bother reading this post. But if you like and want love and happiness in your marriage, then read on. :)
Two weeks ago I bought a book called The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. I first heard about this book 6 years ago when Mc and I got married, and I just got around to buying it. I've read a lot of stuff throughout the years on love and happiness in marriage and I honestly think this is the best book out there on marital love; I HIGHLY recommend it for every married couple no matter how old you are or how long you've been married. In a nutshell, this book teaches us how we can show our love to our
spouse in the way they understand it, in their "primary love language". I'll tell you a little bit about it.
People interpret love differently. What makes one person feel loved might not make their spouse feel loved. Dr. Chapman identified 5 ways people interpret and receive love:
(in the order he discussed them)
1) Words of Affirmation-- words like, "I love you", "I'm proud of you", "I believe in you", "Thank you"
2) Quality Time-- the person's full attention is on their spouse and they're together physically and mentally in the moment
3) Receiving Gifts-- meaningful gifts that shows the person that their spouse was thinking of them
4) Acts of Service-- could include cleaning the house, yard work, making dinner, fixing the car, etc.
5) Physical Touch-- more than sex alone, it also includes holding hands, hugging, kissing, etc. in nonsexual contexts.
You've all heard of the Golden Rule? "Treat others the way you want to be treated." Well, when it comes to expressing love in a marriage, that's not really accurate. In a marriage the Golden Rule is, "Love your spouse the way he or she wants to be loved." We naturally tend to show love the
way we'd like to receive love, and the main message of this book is that what works for you won't
necessarily work for your spouse. Let me give you some examples (these aren't Dr. Chapman's examples, they're my own).
Growing up I often heard the phrase, "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach," meaning that the way a man will feel loved is by making great food for him. That's only true if the man's primary love language is Acts of Service. All men like a good meal (really, who doesn't?), but only the man who understands love through acts of service will feel loved through his wife's making a well-cooked meal. What if his primary love language is actually Words of Affirmation? While he will still appreciate a good meal, what will speak to his heart-- what will make him feel loved-- is for his wife to tell him sincerely that she's proud of him, that he did a great job when he did something for her, that she thinks he's intelligent and capable, that she trusts him.
Another example. A cliché about women is that they love gifts: jewelry, flowers, chocolate, etc. While everyone likes gifts occasionally, to a wife, the gifts from her husband will only make her feel loved if her primary love language is Receiving Gifts. What if her primary love language is Physical Touch? Her husband might have been giving her flowers all these years to express his love, when really what she needs in order to feel loved by him is a hug and kiss from him when he comes home from work, his arm around her shoulders when they're standing together, a foot rub after a long day, cuddling after sex.
Reading this book will help both of you learn your own primary love language as well
as that of your spouse; don't guess, you need to find out for sure.
Take Mc and me, for instance. For years I thought my primary love language was Physical Touch,
but after reading this book I realized that while physical touch is still extremely important to me, it's my
secondary love language... my primary love language is actually Quality Time (with a "dialect" of Quality Conversation). All these years that I've been married I was hoping to feel love through physical touch and it just wasn't happening as well as I thought it should. Now that we both know I need quality time more than anything else, Mc has been making a conscious effort to show his love for me that way and I definitely feel his love now. Likewise, I've known for years what Mc's primary love language is, and after reading this book and finding out that his love language hasn't changed, I've redoubled my efforts to learn his "dialects" of that love language and to show my love for him that way, and he can tell. You'll be amazed at how quickly you will see positive changes and how much
better you will understand yourself and your spouse.
Not sure how to start? First, buy the book; you can find it at any bookstore or online for about $10. Then say to your spouse, "When you have a few minutes, I'd like to talk to you about something that's important to me." Always be clear and direct in saying what you want, and your spouse will likely find time for you very quickly. Then you can start off by saying something like, "Honey, I've been doing some thinking, and I'd like us to learn how to show our love for each other in the way that's most important to both of us. I bought this book that was highly recommended and I'd like to read through it with you. Will you do this with me?" Most spouses will agree to try it out; some will be more enthusiastic about it than others, but most will still agree. (the book is an easy read and you can get through it quickly).
It's important to do this together. If one person puts forth effort to
learn and speak their spouse's primary love language but their
spouse doesn't reciprocate that effort, then the love in the marriage will be lopsided and one
person will still not feel loved. Remember, just because one spouse feels loved doesn't mean that the other spouse does, too. For happiness to
abound in a marriage, both people need to feel loved by their spouse, and so both people have to make the effort and it has to be done consistently; little efforts every few months or so won't be enough and it will give your spouse the message that you really don't care. By
reading the book together you'll both start off on the same foot. Mc
and I have done this and it's already making a difference in our
marriage.
If you care about showing love to your spouse in the way they will understand, whether your marriage is in trouble or it's going strong, then reading this book is absolutely worth your time.
(And maybe once you and your spouse have things working well, try this on your kids: find what makes them feel the most loved and show your love to them that way. Again, totally worth it!)
