One year ago I sent my letter to the Mormon church telling them I wanted my name removed from the rolls of the church (they don't actually get rid of your records; they keep them, just in a separate file). After one of my blog posts about my opinions of the church offended some family members, I decided this blog wasn't going to be a blog stating my feelings about the church. But I wanted to share my experiences of the past year in this post to let everyone know how I'm doing and where I'm at.
Leaving the church felt like a great relief for me. After I decided to look at the religion from an outside perspective, years of doctrinal and procedural and social issues I've had came together in my mind, and all together they were too much for me to stay. I felt like I was standing up for what was right and that I was finally taking care of myself and deciding for myself how I wanted to live my life. I felt free.
As soon as I sent in my letter I called my family members and told them I had left the church. My siblings seemed surprised but they just kind-of took it in stride, and my parents were upset at first but I think they're over it now. No one in my family or Mc's family disowned me or Mc or our children, and I am grateful for that. Religion really doesn't come up in conversation with family much anyway, if at all, so that makes things easier.
But then something happened that I hadn't prepared for. I felt isolated and alone. Not because I left the church, but because I had no one I could talk to about it in person. I needed someone to talk to, someone who was going through or went through what I was going through now, and who would understand me. I wrote in my journal a few times, but for nine-and-a-half months I had to keep things inside.
When I moved to Seattle I looked up a support group because I was becoming very depressed and I needed people I could talk to. I found a meet-up group for ex-Mormons and I've met with them twice. They told me about a Facebook group for ex-Mormons, but I was hesitant to join it because I didn't want to read a bunch of angry posts; I was busy dealing with my own anger and my own reasons for leaving the church. But one of the meet-ups recently said on their website, "See the Facebook page for more details," and because it was an event I wanted to go to, I joined the Facebook group.
I've been on the Facebook group for two-and-a-half weeks now (it feels like a lot longer than that) and it's been an interesting experience. Yes, there is a lot of "bashing" that goes on and a lot of people reply sarcastically-- I just ignore those people, their sarcasm doesn't interest me-- but more often than not they're genuine posts about struggles people are having. Not everyone has a loving family or spouse like I do. Not everyone is "out" to their families yet and they're having a hard time hiding who they really are from them (and things are a lot worse for those who live in Utah). Leaving Mormonism has affected not only what we do on Sundays, but our whole outlook on life and the eternities.
Here are two people's thoughts from a few days ago that really sum up what many of us in this group are going through and why leaving the church can lead to depression for many of us. I'm quoting them here because their words show thoughts and feelings that I've had as well:
"Many of us here gave up a lot when we woke up and left the church. We lost friendships, our communities, our social standing, the respect of our parents, and sometimes even our marriages (and, as a result, precious time with our children). Many of us also let go of the (false) comfort that religion brings, the innocence and hope of belief in a heaven, and the security of believing there is a loving Parent in the sky watching out for us who loves us and created the entire world FOR US. We have had to pick up the pieces from a shattered world view, many times alone, to create a new purpose for ourselves, all while figuring out a new morality. Anyone who says WE took the easy way out can go fuck themselves. Have a great day, everyone!"
That guy was having a very frustrating day. People asked him if some member had told him he took the easy way out, and he said no but he needed to vent.
Here is one more quote from the Facebook page. Someone posted a video of a VERY obnoxious guy who's "proving" that there is a God and that atheists are idiots. This was one of the comments about that video:
"How does this prove anything? How is it that so many people are so IGNORANT to atheism? Do you honestly think that we have come to this conclusion lightly? You honestly think we haven't tried and prayed and begged to be wrong? Do you think it's comforting knowing that when our kids and our family members and our loved ones die we will never see them again, and not only that but that they will rot in the ground? Don't you understand how heartbreaking it was to come to that conclusion for so many of us? No matter how freeing it is to say "I'm an atheist" I know that I am not special. I am not here for any greater purpose than I choose to be. My life doesn't matter in the scheme of things and yet I still work my ass off to be a good, loving, productive member of society because I choose to be that way, no matter how heartbreaking it may be at times. Now seriously fuck off and stop pestering those that have the balls to be a good person without the fear of god in their lives."
Lots of people in this Facebook group who have left Mormonism have managed to remain Christians (meaning that they believe Jesus of Nazareth was the savior of the world), and that's fine for them. If I had to label myself, I'd say that I'm an agnostic bordering on atheist. Leaving the Mormon church wasn't the hard part. The hard part was trying to figure things out afterward. My thought process was, "Since I don't believe the Mormon view of this world and the eternities, what do I believe?" Do I believe in Christianity? In monotheism? In any deity whatsoever? In life after death? And the hard part was realizing that after months of thinking about it, my answers to those questions were no, no, I don't know, and I don't know.
The Mormon religion was comforting in many ways. It was comforting and reassuring to be told that people KNOW what happens to us after we die, that wicked people will be punished after this life even if they were never punished while they're alive, and that The End is Near and Christ will come again soon. I no longer have comfort in any of those things because I don't believe them anymore, and it's been very hard to deal with.
I've pulled myself together and decided that I'm going to make the most out of this life while I have it because I don't know what the hell happens to us after we die; this is it, this is all I've got.
I won't be on the Facebook group for much longer because although it's been good for me on some levels, it's also affecting me negatively. This group has been good for me because I've seen many people write about the same issues with the church that I've had, and it's been validating to see that I'm not the only one who has problems with these things. And I've posted comments here and there that I think have helped some people who needed support and encouragement. But there are so many posts and comments that are full of anger, frustration, and strong emotions regarding the Mormon church, and dwelling on the negative for too long isn't good for me. I've found myself becoming angry a lot over the past few weeks because of what these people are going through, and I don't like being angry. My goal with all of this religious stuff is to get to the point where I can leave the church behind me completely and not think about it anymore in positive or negative ways. I understand why many of these people need the Facebook group, especially those living in Utah who are surrounded by church stuff on a daily basis, but for me personally I feel like I'm past the point where the Facebook group is helpful and I'm ready to move on from it. The group has helped me feel validated in my thoughts and feelings and reasons regarding the church, and I've found that's all I needed from it.
As I said in the beginning of this post, my blog won't be about my thoughts on the Mormon church. Some people in the Facebook group write things on their personal Facebook wall about the church, some to be open and honest and others to troll the Mormons. I'm not like that. If family or friends want to talk to me about why I left the church or if they want to talk about their own thoughts about the church, I'll be more than happy to have a calm and rational discussion with them, whether it's me talking about my views or me listening to theirs. But I'm not actively or publicly speaking against the church, because I've decided that's not my style-- I'm not out to make people angry. I am, however, open to talking about things if others initiate the discussion.
And that's where I'm at right now. Mc still goes to church and he takes the kids to Nursery and Primary, and so far it hasn't caused any problems. I'll still be going to meet-up events if I feel like I need some extra support or I just want to hang out with people who have the same background that I do.
I'm over the huge depression that all this new-look-at-life has caused earlier this year, and I'm optimistic that this next year will be better for me than the past year was.
Leaving the church felt like a great relief for me. After I decided to look at the religion from an outside perspective, years of doctrinal and procedural and social issues I've had came together in my mind, and all together they were too much for me to stay. I felt like I was standing up for what was right and that I was finally taking care of myself and deciding for myself how I wanted to live my life. I felt free.
As soon as I sent in my letter I called my family members and told them I had left the church. My siblings seemed surprised but they just kind-of took it in stride, and my parents were upset at first but I think they're over it now. No one in my family or Mc's family disowned me or Mc or our children, and I am grateful for that. Religion really doesn't come up in conversation with family much anyway, if at all, so that makes things easier.
But then something happened that I hadn't prepared for. I felt isolated and alone. Not because I left the church, but because I had no one I could talk to about it in person. I needed someone to talk to, someone who was going through or went through what I was going through now, and who would understand me. I wrote in my journal a few times, but for nine-and-a-half months I had to keep things inside.
When I moved to Seattle I looked up a support group because I was becoming very depressed and I needed people I could talk to. I found a meet-up group for ex-Mormons and I've met with them twice. They told me about a Facebook group for ex-Mormons, but I was hesitant to join it because I didn't want to read a bunch of angry posts; I was busy dealing with my own anger and my own reasons for leaving the church. But one of the meet-ups recently said on their website, "See the Facebook page for more details," and because it was an event I wanted to go to, I joined the Facebook group.
I've been on the Facebook group for two-and-a-half weeks now (it feels like a lot longer than that) and it's been an interesting experience. Yes, there is a lot of "bashing" that goes on and a lot of people reply sarcastically-- I just ignore those people, their sarcasm doesn't interest me-- but more often than not they're genuine posts about struggles people are having. Not everyone has a loving family or spouse like I do. Not everyone is "out" to their families yet and they're having a hard time hiding who they really are from them (and things are a lot worse for those who live in Utah). Leaving Mormonism has affected not only what we do on Sundays, but our whole outlook on life and the eternities.
Here are two people's thoughts from a few days ago that really sum up what many of us in this group are going through and why leaving the church can lead to depression for many of us. I'm quoting them here because their words show thoughts and feelings that I've had as well:
"Many of us here gave up a lot when we woke up and left the church. We lost friendships, our communities, our social standing, the respect of our parents, and sometimes even our marriages (and, as a result, precious time with our children). Many of us also let go of the (false) comfort that religion brings, the innocence and hope of belief in a heaven, and the security of believing there is a loving Parent in the sky watching out for us who loves us and created the entire world FOR US. We have had to pick up the pieces from a shattered world view, many times alone, to create a new purpose for ourselves, all while figuring out a new morality. Anyone who says WE took the easy way out can go fuck themselves. Have a great day, everyone!"
That guy was having a very frustrating day. People asked him if some member had told him he took the easy way out, and he said no but he needed to vent.
Here is one more quote from the Facebook page. Someone posted a video of a VERY obnoxious guy who's "proving" that there is a God and that atheists are idiots. This was one of the comments about that video:
"How does this prove anything? How is it that so many people are so IGNORANT to atheism? Do you honestly think that we have come to this conclusion lightly? You honestly think we haven't tried and prayed and begged to be wrong? Do you think it's comforting knowing that when our kids and our family members and our loved ones die we will never see them again, and not only that but that they will rot in the ground? Don't you understand how heartbreaking it was to come to that conclusion for so many of us? No matter how freeing it is to say "I'm an atheist" I know that I am not special. I am not here for any greater purpose than I choose to be. My life doesn't matter in the scheme of things and yet I still work my ass off to be a good, loving, productive member of society because I choose to be that way, no matter how heartbreaking it may be at times. Now seriously fuck off and stop pestering those that have the balls to be a good person without the fear of god in their lives."
Lots of people in this Facebook group who have left Mormonism have managed to remain Christians (meaning that they believe Jesus of Nazareth was the savior of the world), and that's fine for them. If I had to label myself, I'd say that I'm an agnostic bordering on atheist. Leaving the Mormon church wasn't the hard part. The hard part was trying to figure things out afterward. My thought process was, "Since I don't believe the Mormon view of this world and the eternities, what do I believe?" Do I believe in Christianity? In monotheism? In any deity whatsoever? In life after death? And the hard part was realizing that after months of thinking about it, my answers to those questions were no, no, I don't know, and I don't know.
The Mormon religion was comforting in many ways. It was comforting and reassuring to be told that people KNOW what happens to us after we die, that wicked people will be punished after this life even if they were never punished while they're alive, and that The End is Near and Christ will come again soon. I no longer have comfort in any of those things because I don't believe them anymore, and it's been very hard to deal with.
I've pulled myself together and decided that I'm going to make the most out of this life while I have it because I don't know what the hell happens to us after we die; this is it, this is all I've got.
I won't be on the Facebook group for much longer because although it's been good for me on some levels, it's also affecting me negatively. This group has been good for me because I've seen many people write about the same issues with the church that I've had, and it's been validating to see that I'm not the only one who has problems with these things. And I've posted comments here and there that I think have helped some people who needed support and encouragement. But there are so many posts and comments that are full of anger, frustration, and strong emotions regarding the Mormon church, and dwelling on the negative for too long isn't good for me. I've found myself becoming angry a lot over the past few weeks because of what these people are going through, and I don't like being angry. My goal with all of this religious stuff is to get to the point where I can leave the church behind me completely and not think about it anymore in positive or negative ways. I understand why many of these people need the Facebook group, especially those living in Utah who are surrounded by church stuff on a daily basis, but for me personally I feel like I'm past the point where the Facebook group is helpful and I'm ready to move on from it. The group has helped me feel validated in my thoughts and feelings and reasons regarding the church, and I've found that's all I needed from it.
As I said in the beginning of this post, my blog won't be about my thoughts on the Mormon church. Some people in the Facebook group write things on their personal Facebook wall about the church, some to be open and honest and others to troll the Mormons. I'm not like that. If family or friends want to talk to me about why I left the church or if they want to talk about their own thoughts about the church, I'll be more than happy to have a calm and rational discussion with them, whether it's me talking about my views or me listening to theirs. But I'm not actively or publicly speaking against the church, because I've decided that's not my style-- I'm not out to make people angry. I am, however, open to talking about things if others initiate the discussion.
And that's where I'm at right now. Mc still goes to church and he takes the kids to Nursery and Primary, and so far it hasn't caused any problems. I'll still be going to meet-up events if I feel like I need some extra support or I just want to hang out with people who have the same background that I do.
I'm over the huge depression that all this new-look-at-life has caused earlier this year, and I'm optimistic that this next year will be better for me than the past year was.
1 comment:
You could always have another blog where you can openly write your thoughts about the church on and link it to this blog. You never know if someone feels the way you do or if something you say could help them.
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